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Is everybody happy?

Do you feel it yet? The ache to leave, I mean. Sure, everything's fine at the moment -- your first class was today, your carpet's not stained yet, you've grown happy and fat on summer and rush food. The last thing you want to do is run screaming. Enjoy this; it lasts a month.

Come October, you'll need a road trip. For argument's sake, I'm sending you to Freeport, Maine. The leaves won't be changing for another few weeks, but it should be a pretty drive nonetheless. Take your Volkswagen and the fleeting delusion that you go to a normal school, and head north -- first on I-93, then on I-95.

The drive will make you hungry after an hour. Leave the big road in New Hampshire when you find any town with an outstanding name. I prefer "Greenland." Greenland will turn out to be a disappointment, too small to support even a McDonalds. Wander vaguely north through Hampton and Rye Beach into North Hampton.

Eat at Betty's Kitchen on Route 1. Try to get the corner table beneath the poster of the Three Stooges kicking a football. Make plans to recreate this photographic masterpiece on the omniturf back at MIT. You will wax nostalgic about old television shows as the young waitress brings your Cajun Steak and Eggs ($7.95, includes home fries) and full pint of milk. When you meet the jolly, corpulent man (Betty?) who owns the place, don't bother to make an offer for the Stooges poster. It belongs to his son.

Gape at the bowling alleys and other down-east Americana on the drive back to I-95. You will reach Freeport in another hour. Why am I doing this? you will think. I don't need more clothing. Of course not. Need is a dicey emotion; it is the result, and not the cause, of desire. Upon entering the monstrous L.L. Bean store, be sure to thrill to the raw preppiness of it all, the unequivocal yet inexplicable allure of natural fibers dyed softly green.

There is an old rule about attending auctions: set a limit on the amount you're willing to spend, and stick to it through the heat of competition. There are many human ventures which, like auctions, excite a person briefly to the point of mental collapse. Visiting L.L. Bean headquarters weakens your grip on your wallet and transports you to a higher level of shopping. Can you picture it? Duck decoys cohabitating with rugby shirts, tackle boxes next to tassel loafers. The management just added 40,000 square feet of rental space, making Bean "the largest store of its kind in the world." This is like saying the United States is the largest country of its kind in the world.

Spend too much; leave weary, with the anesthesia of after-sex (this wasn't just shopping, what you did) requiring you to stop for dinner in Freeport. Might I suggest Horsefeathers, a lobster place on the main drag? Too weak to enjoy the puns on the menu, fall face-first into the Nasty Naughty Nachos. Lift your face so that the waiter may slide a 11/4 pound lobster beneath it; resume dining. Separate the head shell of the lobster from his other parts and lash it to your hood ornament. Speed as much as you like on the way back to MIT; legend has it that the front of a crustacean at the front of a car wards off speeding tickets.

On your approach to Boston, tune in FM 101.7. You will hear former punk rocker John Lydon (n'e Rotten) plaintively wail, "Is everybody ha-ha-ha-ha-happy?" Sing along. Be happy. You are in motion, which is the surest way to avoid boredom. We are lucky that boredom moves slower than we do. Each time we go home from college, or vice-versa, it takes a few blissful days for it to catch up and soak us. The tracking ability of boredom is groundless and universal -- try as I might, I can't blame it on MIT.

who Adam Braff, a junior in the School of Humanities and Social Science, has written sports and book reviews for The Tech.

Check my formating on the sandwich quotes

USE ONLY ONE SANDWICH QUOTE, NOT BOTH. -- MG

You are in motion, which is the surest way to avoid boredom. We are lucky that boredom moves slower than we do.

USE ONLY ONE SANDWICH QUOTE -- MG

Can you picture it? Duck decoys cohabitating with rugby shirts, tackle boxes next to tassel loafers. The management just added 40,000 square feet of rental space, making Bean "the largest store of its kind in the world." This is like saying the United States is the largest country of its kind in the world.