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Gaggle cops Tech board

Non-denominational holiday spirit and wanton lust dominated the proceedings Saturday as The Tech's board of directors elected its successors for Volume 106.

The voters named current Managing Editor Ronald E. Becker '87 to chair the new board. Becker pledged to keep the newspaper's film and beer cold, and to serve as the sole staff repository of purity.

The board elected News Editor Harold A. "Howard" Stern '87 as the next editor in chief, based largely on his promise to schedule personal interviews with Valerie C. Coel S&M '80 for anyone who voted for him.

"Starkman, you vote for Stern and you're a dead man," warned production staff member Shari A. "Sha-a-a-ri Baby" Berkenblit '88, after Stern's pledge. Night Editor Eric N. "Star-Kist" Starkman '87 ironed out his differences with Berkenblit in time to be elected managing editor for the next volume. Starkman will be responsible for setting deadlines and satisfying the production staff's lust for X-ACTO@# knives, Art Wax and Cora Zilch '54 clip art.

Advertising Manager Michael J. Kardos '86 decided to take the money and run for business manager, which the board elected him. "I'm boning up on my Portuguese," winked the son-to-be-illicitly-wealthy one. "All I need to figure out is where they speak Portuguese." Attempts to confirm Kardos's planned flight failed when repeated telephone calls to the Business Office went unanswered.

Editor in chief Thomas T. "Tom-Tom" Huang '86 refused to identify his friends, and was thus compelled by the board to serve as executive editor for the coming volume. "Airball" will assist the editor in chief and managing editor in the newsroom and on the basketball court.

After the meeting and three Molson Goldens, Huang attempted to assist "The Fridge" Becker by demonstrating sit-ups on the photography department's desk.

In the hotly contested race for news editor, Earl "The Earl of Yen" Yen '88 was named most liked among the candidates -- and therefore was denied the postion.

Less fortunate were Katherine T. "Yow!" Schwarz '86, Ben Z. "Sting" Stanger '88 and David P. "Mad Dog : Sick Pup" Hamilton '88. The new Tech senior muckrakers promised in-depth coverage of campus events. David and Sting vowed to pay particular attention to the effects of blacklight and vaseline on Katie, and vice-versa. The three also agreed on REM as the "official music of the news editors."

Mathews M. "The Mut" Cherian '88 signed up for another year as opinion editor, because he needed more altruism letters for his parakeet. His partner in flame for next volume will be current Associate NuzEd Whang '87.

The meeting paused at this point for the lighting of the non-denominational holiday candelabra. Staff goyim looked out the window at the Julius A. Stratton '23 Student Center's non-denominational holiday shrub. Huang, currently a 2/3 member of Jewish faction, just stood there with a confused look on his face. "One more visit to the Kosher Kitchen and I think they're going to make me have a briss," Huang lamented.

After the proceedings, Becker led the staff in a chorus of "Oy Schwartzenbaum, oy Schwartzenbaum, oy vas a mensch that Schwartzenbaum," to the delight of all. The delight was mostly due to the absence of Becker's flute.

While the rest of the staff contemplated its dates with Valerie, Malchman (winner of the Leonard H. Tower Jr. '71 Memorial Hanger-On Award), Mark W. Eichin '88 and MarK this K is correct"Oliver Wendell" Kantrowitz '89 will have to keep theirs with Dawn. The trio will serve as night editors for Volume 106. Malchman will also continue as production manager, and Kantrowitz will replace Starkman as director of the Tech Electronic Pizza delivery service.

The Tech will leave the positions of sports editor and features editor open once again in the hope that no sports or features will occur next year.

Foreign interests kept their hold on the Arts Department, as Briton Jonathan "Rhubarb" "We wuz robbed in 1776" Richmond G and Italian wax impressionist Corrado "Honcho" Giambalvo '86 will serve another year as editors. "We have a pact," Richmond said. "I'm teaching Corrado how to cook, and he is teaching me how to drive a motrcycle." Giambalvo's latest work of art, "Self Portrait n Three Inches of Wax," is now being displayed in the Tech office.

Rumor has it the pair remained solely because of the presence of "The Bobsey Twins," Associate Arts Editors Betty J. McLaughlin '89, Allison Druin G and Michiel Bos G. When informed that the word should be "triplets," Bos commented, "Oh, vat a rich language das ist."

Associate Photo Editor Stephen P. "Berzerk" Berczuk '87 will move up to full editor. He denied his "MTG" shirt advocated a rival student group, claiming that it was a second-prize in a Music TeleGision contest.

"Money speaks louder than words," said Craig "Craig" Jungwirth '88 of his move from news editor to advertising manager.

"I like Caltech guys," said Schwarz, but none were elected to the prestigious post of contributing editor. Those who were selected included Tech icon (sorry Dave) V. Michael Bove G, elected to his sixth managing board; Bill Coderre '85+, who finally decided he wanted a lifetime subscription; Simson L. Garfinkel '86, who promised Richmond flying lessons if he survives Giambalvo's motorcycle instruction; Carl A. LaCombe '86, who should have known better, but who will continue to serve as Tech Indexing Project Representative anyway; Photo Editor idhu Banerjee '87, who was still annoyed that he didn't get the Coel photography assignment; Andrew S. Gerber '87, 6'3" and VI-3; and Michael J. "Phantom" Garrison '88, who enjoyed the post-election party so much he had to call Nightline to find out what time it was when he got home.

Put out to pasture as senior editors were Photo Editor Steven Wheatman '86 and Chairman Ellen L. Spero '86, who liked the position they were in almost as much.

In the final contest of the evening, The Captain -- Horatio C. Crunch -- was unanimously named The Tech's official mascot.

Andy "The Guru" Bein '87 was last seen driving a Rolls into the sunset, along with Amy S. "What time do elections start tomorrow?" Gorin '84++.