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Turkey shoot

Special to The Tech

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There was fear in Ellen's manner as she stepped into her place,

There was terror in Ellen's bearing, and a scowl on Ellen's face,

And when, responding to the cheers, she hid behind her hat,

No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Ellen at the bat.

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The Tech Wild Turkeys opened their softball season Sunday with a moral victory over the host Harvard Crimson Crimson. The score was 23-2. Reports are still coming in on who won.

The Tech staff met in the newsroom for the rout. Everyone was on time except for Martin "the dreaded Spaz" Dickau '85, who had forgotten to set his clock ahead for Daylight Savings Time.

The mighty Wild Turkeys finally reached the Crimson newsroom and found it to be a distant second to the Tech's in the categories of: interior decorating, paper cups, odor, beer-battered fish, topsiders, Wall Street Journals and cost for a Coke.

The Crimson, disconcerted by the impressive flood of matching Tech T-shirts, suffered a severe defensive lapse in the top of the first inning. Pitcher Bruce Kluckhohn and his team gave up three base hits and half the Tech's runs.

Centerfielder Steven "Casanova" Wheatman '85 tripled and scored. He said: "I'm better at softball than at parties."

Turkey pitcher-manager Robert "Fat Kid" Malchman '85 took the mound in the bottom of the first and gave up the Crimson's first collection of runs, thanks largely to a once-in-a-lifetime fielding performance by first baseman Dickau.

"I figured if we gave up a few runs early," Malchman said after the game, "we could get [the Crimson] to start drinking all that beer we brought. I never thought they would try to win."

Dickau took over on the mound, and after some early wildness, settled into form after Beer Manager Jane Huber W '85 supplied replenishment.

Freebaseman Drew Blakeman '91 harassed the opposition by brushing them back with his hands and feet. The harassment escalated as both benches erupted and everyone had to find other places to sit.

Stephen Berczuk, Ronald Becker and Ed Whang were involved in a scuffle with the Crimson over a can of Diet Coke. "They were going to damage their brains," Becker said. "We had to stop them."

"Huh?" responded one Crimson player.

In the middle of the third inning, spiritual leader Thomas Huang called for a rabble-rousing nine-way high-five to rally the team. He left after the game for the University of Miami, where he is now its mascot, Mr. Maniac.

In what became a tenacious, defensive game, Michael "Mr. Mischief" Garrison '88 emerged as a steady left-fielder with five snatches of the glove. "He catches 'em," said one bystander. "He just looks like he can't."

Vic Diniak '86 won the Babe Ruth award for running the most bases ever in a collegiate newspaper game. Harold "Howard" Stern '87 won the Gerald R. Ford award for running into the most players in a collegiate newspaper game.

Ben "Sting" Stanger '88 and V. Michael Bove G played gallantly at their positions, but The Tech ran out of awards appropriate for their level of play.

The game's outcome renewed debate over whether Malchman would be replaced by Billy Martin.

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Oh! somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;

And somewhere men are laughing and somewhere children shout,

But there is no joy in W20-483 -- mighty Ellen has struck out.

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