In last week’s edition of “Frivolous Dissertations on Breakfast,” in which I discussed my thoughts on the ideal cereal shape, it occurred to me that one edition simply wasn’t big enough to contain the sheer mass of frivolity on the subject that I wanted to share. More than that, it seemed terribly prejudiced of me to assume that cereal was the only breakfast food worth talking about. After all, non-college students eat breakfast, too (I think) and if I expect to be taken seriously in debates on the subject of breakfast, I should have an informed opinion on more than just the issues that matter to me.

Also, breakfast is far from being the only context in which cereal can be consumed. (Since last week, the notion of having cereal with alcohol was brought to my attention. I’m told that the density of grain in Cheerios creates an “alcoholic napalm” effect that is strongly not recommended with anything stronger than Listerine. In response to the suggestion of Froot Loops mojitos, I proposed St. Patrick’s Day Guinness and Lucky Charms, for no other reason than that I think it would be funny.)

As part of a likely-futile effort as of late to eat more healthily, I’ve converted from frosted Pop-Tarts to unfrosted, off-brand toaster pastries. Part of the logic behind that move was that breakfast foods really shouldn’t have frosting, although considering my tastes in cereal (once called “sugar unadulterated” by Bill Amend in “Foxtrot”), that may turn out to be completely hypocritical. Intriguingly, I’ve also caught wind of an as-yet unverified claim that unfrosted toaster pastries have as much sugar as frosted ones — they already have 50 percent more per pastry than a serving of any of the marketed-to-kids cereals I have in my room. Scandalous, indeed.

Also a point of breakfast contention is the matter of eggs and their preparation. How civilization came across as many ways to cook eggs (or not cook eggs, if you’re training for a championship boxing match) as we have is beyond me, but there are probably at least a dozen, and although most of them seem to taste exactly the same, the subtleties between them seem to be enough that the pickier of people could justify getting snippy if they aren’t cooked just right. The eggs, that is, not the people.

Personally, I prefer eggs cooked “over medium,” meaning that the eggs are fried so that the egg white is fully cooked but the egg yolk remains mostly liquid. I used to eat them “over easy,” where the entire yolk and some of the white are runny, but eventually found “over medium” to be somewhat less messy while still offering the same gooey, dippable goodness at its center.

Besides, considering how much I like staying inside my comfort zone, risking salmonella infection is as devil-may-care as I get these days. Those who know me well already know about my double-sniff test approach to milk, even when it’s ultrapasteurized.

Alternate sources of grain-slash-starch in your complete breakfast range from the pancakes/waffles/French toast family to oatmeal to hash browns (in either patty or shredded form). If you’re at a point in your life where colorful boxes and anthropomorphized animal mascots don’t really catch your attention anymore, or if you’re inclined to aim for a breakfast feast on the weekends, some or all of the above could be your source of complex carbohydrates.

Of course, if you’re more like me, then depending on your degree of laziness on any given weekend morning, you may be leaning more towards a pseudo-breakfast comprising entirely of snack foods. In my defense, my loving relatives sent me a crate of multigrain chips last semester, and I fully intend on making the most of them — and what better way than to make them part of the most important meal of the day? As for the half a bottle of soda and the Make-A-Dinosaur fruit snacks, well, I don’t really have an excuse there.

Well, barring any tangents on bacon vs. sausage (sausage links are better than bacon are better than sausage patties, although I typically don’t have meat with breakfast), I suspect that exhausts my logical thought processes with regards to breakfast. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some exercising to do. My breakfast of barbeque-flavored potato chips, Cheetos, and a juice box isn’t going to compensate for itself.

The idea of the “frivolous conversation about everyday subjects”, experienced by all and popularized by sitcoms, remains one of the few ways in which we can connect with new acquaintances and sometimes complete strangers without being invasive or sketchy. Just yesterday, I briefly discussed Cheetos and dental hygiene with the lady next to me in line at the pizza parlor. Several months back, it was carbonated drinks with Ingrid the Shaw’s Cashier. Last week, the pièce de résistance was an interchange at length over bagels and cake on the subject of breakfast food, with cereal (specifically cold and served with milk) as the centerpiece.

The main contention of my argument is, simply, that the toroidal cereal shape, better known as the “loop” or “O,” is the ideal shape for cold cereal. Obviously, such a highly controversial statement will not go unchallenged, and bears justifying. On one end of the spectrum, we have the spherical “puff,” while on the other, we have the random 2-D surface, the “flake.”

Momentarily setting aside Mini-Wheat and Honeycomb-shaped aberrations as well as other factors such as marshmallows or dried fruit, my “research” (anecdotal experience) shows that the puff (having the smallest surface area-to-volume ratio) absorbs milk the slowest. Consequently, if I’m in a hurry to get out the door in the morning, biting into a recently-soaked puff encounters a hard, scratchy core that tears up my gums rather painfully and impacts my entire day. Puffs also have the distinction of being perhaps the most dangerous cereal for a toddler to have stuck up his/her nose, so much so that an “Everybody Loves Raymond” episode makes mention of the ailment and its remedy, the “Crunch and Blow.”

Flakes, on the other hand, soak up milk far too quickly and are generally soggy by the time I get to the bottom of the bowl, no matter how quickly I eat. A further inconvenience is that due to their flat shape, flakes tend to spatter poured milk out of the bowl and all over anything that happens to be on the table — a nearby problem set, for example. (Whether cereal or milk goes into the bowl first is, as far as I’m concerned, not up for debate. Milk first? Breakfast heresy.) Yes, careful pouring down the side of the bowl can alleviate spattering, much as careful pouring down the side of a cup can prevent soda from foaming over, but then again, most of the time you’re lucky to be even eating breakfast to begin with, let alone taking your sweet time.

Which brings us, at last, to the loop. I haven’t crunched the numbers on its surface area-volume ratio, either for Froot Loop-sized or Cheerio-sized pieces, but it doesn’t take too large a sample size to realize that loops are superior. They hold milk well due to the center hole, but also maintain a more broadly-distributed crunchy center than a puff that ensures variety of texture without hurting your gums. I’ve also found that at typical rates of consumption, a reasonable level of crunchiness is maintained until the end of the bowl. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve repoured into half a bowl of milk with loops. Beautiful, beautiful loops.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I should probably go eat now. Somewhat ironically, I’ve spent so much time this morning thinking and writing about breakfast that I’ve forgotten to stop and eat it. Stay tuned next week, as the breakfast-based saga continues.

This past summer, IS&T upgraded all the public Athena machines around campus from Athena 9 to Debathena. Debathena, a SIPB project that is now a collaboration with IS&T, is the newest version of Athena. While Debathena packages are available for any current Debian-based distribution, IS&T selected Ubuntu for the public workstations. The current version — Ubuntu 9.04 — allows us to incorporate software as recent as 2009, and it adds some long-requested features to Athena and makes some programs much faster.

Ubuntu 9.04, on which the Debathena cluster deployment is based, is a much more recent operating system, especially compared to Red Hat Enterprise Linux 4, on which Athena 9.4 is based. Support for USB devices and CD-ROMs has been vastly improved — removable devices now appear on your Desktop, with no need to become root or use the attach-usb program. Users are now able to install software packages automatically, even on cluster machines (a feature requested for many years). Debathena workstations in the clusters include many more locally installed applications, such as OpenOffice.org and the GIMP, a powerful photo editor similar to Photoshop. Having these applications installed locally should provide a noticeable speed increase.

Yes. Right now the login process is noticeably slower on public Debathena machines (private machines are unaffected), and we are working to resolve this issue as soon as possible. The primary cause of the slowness is the login chroots or “sandboxes”, which provide users with the ability to install any software they like for the duration of their login session. The ability to do this has been requested many times, and we’re pleased to be able to offer it now. We don’t accept the slowness in the present implementation as a trade-off — we’re trying a number of different solutions to address the speed issue and we hope to have a fix released to the clusters soon. For quickstations, we recently changed the configuration to remove the login chroots and deny root access, which brought login times back down into the 5–10 second range. That lets us keep quickstations quick while we work on a complete solution for both quickstations and the clusters.

Red Hat Enterprise Linux 4, on which Athena 9.4 is based, is four years old and will stop receiving bugfixes this fall. In another two years, even security fixes will end. Moving to Ubuntu with Debathena delivers newer software with improved features, and because Debathena is designed to be easy to upgrade to new upstream releases — it’s handled eight of them and counting — it ensures we can continue to receive security updates and other important bugfixes, as well as take advantage of the latest features and newest software, for the future. For more information on Debathena, please visit http://debathena.mit.edu.

To ask us a question, send e-mail to sipb@mit.edu. We’ll try to answer you quickly, and we can address your question in our next column. You can also stop by our office in W20-557 or call us at x3-7788 if you need help. Copies of each column and pointers to additional information are posted on our website: http://www.mit.edu/~asksipb/

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday of the year. For one thing, it takes place during my favorite season — I grew up in a heavily forested area of Pennsylvania, and seeing entire mountainsides change color is pretty stunning for me now and positively mind–boggling to an eight–year–old. I also got to feed my hero complex, a long-standing tradition that continues even today in a manner that I suspect would be of some psychiatric interest. It started with a cowboy costume, presumably because I asked for it but likely influenced much less by Clint Eastwood and much more by the release of An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. From there, it alternated between “Robin Hood” and “Musketeer” (each with relevant movie releases, the more observant of you might notice) until I hit high school.

At that point, I was at an age where dressing up in costume was reserved more for Homecoming Week than Halloween, and carrying cap pistols and swords was “discouraged” in school. Homecoming highlights include a cardboard–and–duct–tape pre–300 Spartan with a Superman S-shield on his armor (I still can’t remember why), Quasimodo, and Indiana Jones. Interestingly enough, it wasn’t until after I graduated that my high school decided to have a Superhero Day. Darn.

This Halloween, I dressed up as The Spirit, the eponymous character from the 2009 Frank Miller film based off of a Will Eisner comic book character. The costume is pretty simple — black suit pants, black dress shirt, black trench coat, black fedora, black domino mask, black gloves, bright red necktie. The look can hypothetically be completed with black dress shoes, but for true authenticity, black Converse All–Stars are a necessity. I thought it was a really cool look that produced a really cool effect for relatively little effort. So why on earth was the recognition factor so hard to come by?

To be fair, relatively few people saw the movie from which my costume came, but even so, I would have hoped that “Zorro” would not be the first thing that came to mind when they saw a red tie and high-top sneakers. Much as Zorro would fit in with my modus operandi as far as costumes are concerned, I don’t have a fencing sword or a cape, and if I had either, it would probably make it very challenging to get on a Saferide without getting caught in the door or slashing an artery.

The most troubling interpretation I got of my costume all weekend was Hamburglar. Yes, Hamburglar. I did not attach a domino mask to my face with enough double-sided tape to remove the top two layers of my face to be mistaken for the burger-stealing, freckled, bucktoothed, retired second–string mascot for McDonald’s. No offense meant to those who have fond memories of the fellow (and/or have a burger fetish) who did dress up as Hamburglar, but of all the awesome–looking heroic characters I could have chosen to dress as, Hamburglar was not on my shortlist.

That’s not to say that there weren’t benefits to my costume. I never used to think that domino masks (masks that only cover the area around the eyes) did anything to hide one’s identity, but after having friends question whether or not I was actually me under there, I have to confess that my comic book disbelief has been suspended an extra notch.

My ego may also have deceived me into thinking that I received more elevator eyes walking through Boston at 10 p.m. as I passed by all of the other Halloweenies, but between the slick tie, the cunning fedora, and all of the alcohol making their focus float up and down, I wouldn’t have been surprised. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare for next year’s costume. I’d like to try and be the less-than-heroic (but nonetheless awesome) Ash from Army of Darkness — I’m hoping if I do it properly, I won’t be mistaken for Ash from Pokémon.

I’m as big a fan of self-love as a newly sexually-awakened postpubescent, but sometimes a couple digits just won’t do. That’s when I reach for my favorite vibrator made by Fun Factory, a German sex toy company. Before I came across their nifty invention, I’d tried a lot of toys that left me feeling dissatisfied, so I resorted to masturbation without technological enhancements. Though it’s cheaper and equally pleasurable (especially if you’re familiar with your own body and nimble with your fingers), masturbation alone can get boring and sex toys can add variety to the bedroom. Some women have a difficult time reaching orgasm and can get closer to their goal with the aid of a toy. For me, finding the right vibrator made me realize that sex toy shopping is a little bit like playing Goldilocks. You have to find the toy that’s juuuust right and there are a lot of factors that come into play!

According to The Tech’s Sex Survey, 13 percent of all MIT students have a sex toy. Overall, 16 percent of MIT women have toys. However, this statistic is as low as 6 percent for the females in the freshman class, whereas it shoots up to 26 percent for the females in the senior class. These numbers argue that sex toys become more prevalent as students go through their MIT career, and whether you’re a virgin or one-half of a couple, you can integrate toys into your sex life and use them to get better acquainted with your (and your partner’s) body and preferences. To protect your health and prolong the life of your product, keep in mind the following when purchasing and using:

Cost: Good toys aren’t cheap, but they don’t have to be outrageously expensive either. All of the products reviewed below are well-known brands carried by reputable retailers like Babeland, which only sell quality toys. Though it might be hard to justify spending triple digits (at some point, you’re really just paying for the brand), there’s a huge difference between a $15 plastic dildo made in China and a $60 silicone one that comes with a warranty. If the price makes you wince, it’s better to skip toys altogether. No vibe is preferable to a toxic vibe.

Material: Silicone toys cost more, but they’re hypoallergenic, easy to clean, and as close as you can get to the real thing. Rubber/jelly and latex toys are less expensive but are also porous, which makes them difficult to disinfect, and may contain phthalates, a common rubber softener which has been correlated with negative health consequences. Toys are also made out of hard materials like plastic, glass, and aluminum (used in Tantus’ Revolve and JimmyJane’s Little Chroma).

Safety: Toys made of rubber, latex, or jelly are porous and harder to clean (see below) so I highly recommend using a condom with penetrative toys made of these materials. In general, however, condoms are a good idea because they act as a barrier against toys with materials that contain allergens (latex) or dangerous chemicals (phthalates). Condoms are an absolute necessity if you’re sharing toys with a partner and if you’re switching between vaginal and anal penetration.

Lubrication: As always, don’t forget to lube up, especially if you don’t get wet on your own. Remember to keep the silicone lube away from your silicone toys or you’ll destroy the surface of the latter. Stick to the water-based stuff, which is safe for all materials, or use saliva when in a pinch (It’s better than nothing!).

Care: To prolong their lifespan, don’t put off cleaning your toys. Most toys will do fine with a warm water rinse accompanied by anti-bacterial soap, but rubber, latex, and jelly toys are more porous than silicone so they require extra rinsing to get rid of excess soap. If you want to make sure your toys are squeaky clean, silicone and glass products without electrical parts can be boiled or run through a cycle in the dishwasher (stick them in the top shelf, though).

This edition of Sex Ed focuses on products for women, but don’t worry, boys. We’ll be reviewing unisex and couples toys in an upcoming installment. In the meantime, the boys can read a review of the Fleshlight by “Hand Solo.”

CHRISTINE: Using silver ions as an antibacterial agent, Emotional Bliss’s selling point is the almost self-cleaning nature of their personal massagers. To clean it, it’s as simple as wiping it down with water. I don’t know about others, but I find cleaning my sex toys to be such a hassle. So much so, I’m hesitant to use them when I’m on a time crunch, even though I could really use an orgasm to wind down. This makes these toys perfect for those who don’t want to boil silicone after every usage. And, these toys self-heat! But, they never get too hot. I prefer the Femblossom because of its design. The Womolia (pictured above) is a bit too thick and long for internal usage, in my opinion, and for clitoral purposes, its shape is awkward. Out of all the toys I tested, Emotional Bliss also had the best speeds, but they’re incredibly loud. So loud that I consider it a major product flaw for college students— I think they’re louder than “indoor speaking voices.” It’s a small price to pay, though, for a quick orgasm, which the higher speeds definitely afforded.

Design: B+

Efficacy: A

LENA: The U.K. company Emotional Bliss has garnered a large following in Europe with its line of intimate massagers, which include the Womolia and the Femblossom. These are the only vibrators on the market that heat up by warming to the speed and frequency selected. Though the vibrations are strong enough to suit my preferences, the toys are also extremely loud so discretion is next to impossible if you’re not living in a single. I also wish they didn’t resemble shower heads and came in a sleeker design. Both are rechargeable (so you can forget batteries) and curved for comfort. One big plus: Since the products are made of Thermoplastic Elastomer (TPE), which is non-porous, they’re super easy to clean and also contain an antibacterial agent that sterilizes the massager after it they are wiped with water.

Design: C+

Efficacy: B

CHRISTINE: I wanted to like the Onye. With its pretty satin-lined case, I thought I was in for a treat. Plus, it wasn’t terrifyingly large. If anything, it looked like a thicker, shorter version of JimmyJane’s Little Chroma, which is one of my favorite toys on the market. After stealing my AAA batteries from my TI-89, I should’ve known I was in for a disappointment. My batteries will be staying in my TI-89. The eight speeds are nice, but none of them quite did the trick. Plus, it’s very much like a bullet vibrator in the sense that the speed button is the same control which turns it on and off. In my opinion, this is just an overpriced, oversized bullet.

Design: C

Efficacy: D

LENA: The Onye, which comes in eight modes, is short, thick, and does the trick. As a 5’ 2” gal often intimidated by the giant phalluses on display at adult store, I appreciate smaller vibrators which are more realistic about the size of the orifices they’ll be used in. Made of hypoallergenic and phthalate-free ABS plastic, the Onye is aesthetically pleasing, but even if it weren’t, it comes in its own satin-lined case for discreet safekeeping. One big down side is that the button for the different speed and vibration modes is the same button that turns the toy on and off. No one likes being interrupted at key moments.

Design: B

Efficacy: B

CHRISTINE: The Revolve didn’t impress me, but I am not someone who has figured out how to give myself a G-spot orgasm. Plus, it’s incredibly cold (being aircraft aluminum). When I use it, I can’t help but think of smart balls and Kegel exercises, which don’t really get me off. I think that the Revolve is an afterthought for Tantus, kind of like how Brooks Brothers started designing women’s clothing — realizing they could make a profit by branching into an area they aren’t nearly as good at. Tantus is known for high quality silicone sex toys, and the butt plug they sent is by far my favorite silicone butt plug. However, I prefer my butt plugs to be made of glass, as I prefer silicone lube for anal play. Nonetheless, for those interested in high quality silicone toys, Tantus uses medical grade silicone.

Design: B

Efficacy: B

LENA: Unlike the other toys in reviewed in this piece, the Revolve doesn’t vibrate which, for me, means more work to get off. If you’ve mastered G-spot orgasms, however, the non-uniform curves make this toy your new best friend. The Alumina Revolve is made of anodized aluminum, a seemingly weightless material which initially feels cool until it warms to the temperature of your body. I’m the type of gal who insists on having sex with the covers on, not because of prudishness but because of sensitivity to cold. If you’re like me, run the Revolve under hot water first to warm it up. A bonus feature: It can also be unscrewed in the middle to be mixed and matched with parts from other toys in the Alumina line.

Design: A

Efficacy: B-

CHRISTINE: The Little Chroma is what introduced me to sex toys; so obviously, my thoughts are biased. It is arguably the quietest toy on the market, but what really makes it special is the replaceable motor. It’s depressing when a sex toy dies. With heavy usage, it’s easy to kill one in six months, so instead of buying a whole new toy, JimmyJane does what more companies should: selling motor replacements. Made of aluminum, it only has one real speed (arguably, one could not fully tighten it when turning it on, giving a slower result), but even then, I don’t think it limits the toy. I do wish it had more speeds.

It also runs on 2AA batteries, which surprisingly allow it to last up to 16 hours. In my long term usage of the toy, I find this number to be about right, which means it outlasts some of my rechargeable toys. It’s better for clitoral use, but it’s not super thick or super long, making it also a good toy for vaginal use. I’m impressed with JimmyJane’s display at Good Vibes. As a friend of mine put it, “if Good Vibes were a Best Buy, then JimmyJane would be the Apple display.” They market themselves with sleek designs, and for those not willing to drop $100 on a toy, I would suggest trying their smaller version with their iconic bullet (priced at $16.)

Design: A

Efficacy: A-

LENA: Also made of aluminum, the Little Chroma is one of the more affordable options in JimmyJane, a luxury sex toy company that is to vibrators what Tiffany’s is to jewelry. This is an especially apt comparison since JimmyJane is well-known for manufacturing jewel-encrusted toys adored by celebrities like Kate Moss and Teri Hatcher. This little vibe is one of my favs in terms of design and whisper-quiet to boot. It also packs a powerful punch despite its diminutive size. My only complaint? Though I appreciate the sleek and smooth shape, a curved shape would fit my body better. If you think you might have similar concerns, the company’s hefty Form 6 might be a more appropriate option.

Design: A+

Efficacy: B+

CHRISTINE: The SaSi is not intuitive. However, for those willing to read an instruction manual, it can consistently give an orgasmic experience. Unlike other sex toys, the SaSi can be programmed with an individual’s favorite patterns to get off. It’s supposed to simulate cunnilingus, but I don’t find the speed fast enough (It has possibly the weakest motor of all the toys I tested.)

It has a ball-like item inside the toy, which can move up and down, left and right — in a similar fashion to a tongue; additionally, it vibrates and pulsates. It is probably the best thing on the market for oral sex simulation, but I’m not sure that I necessarily want my toys to be just like the real thing. Part of the fun of sex toys is that they’re a different experience.

Also, because it’s not user-friendly, it’s easy to push the wrong buttons and get unexpected results. It’s rechargeable, but sometimes it heats up too much. However, it’s easy to clean, with a slip-off silicone cover. It doesn’t look like a sex toy, although it slightly resembles a tongue. In its packaging, though, it looks more like a phone, sitting on a stand. I do commend the creators of SaSi for the sleek design and the plethora of options; I just wish it had a stronger motor.

Design: A+

Efficacy: B-

LENA: The Sasi is the most expensive and most impressive product of the bunch. Designed to simulate cunnilingus, this silicone device cradles your curves and gently massages your clitoris with a rounded tip that protrudes from under a silicone skin. By far one of the best options I’ve ever come across for women who don’t like penetrative sex toys, the Sasi comes with varied pre-programmed modes and can also remember which patterns you like best. The only thing that kept the toy from an A- is my preference for stronger vibrations. I tend to like the real thing hard and rough, and in that regard, the SaSi just isn’t quite sassy enough.

Design: A+

Efficacy: B+

HAND SOLO: The Fleshlight represents one of the few mainstream sex toys marketed towards men that aren’t interested in playing with their rear end. It was designed by a SWAT officer, the manliest of men, so: Guys, there’s no reason to be a scrotum and be afraid of owning a toy.

The Fleshlight is a plastic container, vaguely approximating the appearance of a flashlight, with an elastomeric gel sleeve insert. And, in case it isn’t obvious, you insert your penis into the sleeve. The sleeve itself is very stretchy, and if anchored at both ends can serve as an impromptu slingshot. Although the container comes in different colors, its primarily point of customization is sleeve options.

A variety of options are available on their website (fleshlight.com), ranging from different “skin tones,” orifice depictions, and inner texture. When I bought mine a few years ago, there were several tones available, from caucasian to “pink” to african; the only options these days seem to be pink and “ice” (clear). Bummer! The orifice selection is abundant: options include the Lady (vagina), Mouth, Butt (anus), Mini-Maid (buttocks), and Stealth (nondescript). The inner texture selection is equally abundant: Original (plain 3/4”), Super Tight (plain 1/2”, rectum emulator), Ultra Tight (plain 1/4”), Vortex (diagonal ridges), Wonder Wave (vagina emulator), Super Ribbed (mouth and throat emulator), and Speed Bump (reportedly the most intense).

I have the Lady in pink with the Original texture in a black case. I figured that the Original was the most vanilla and would leave me the most satisfied by future ladyfriends.

The first thing you’re going to want to purchase with your Fleshlight is lube, because it is literally as useless as a paperweight without it. You can’t expect to give it some wine and kiss its neck and expect it to become lubed like a real vagina. The lube type is strict: water-based only! Silicone-based lubes will eat away at the polymer.

In use, it does the job. It does not emulate the act of “humping” by any means, and as someone who has tried clamping it to a desk with a Quick Grip, I can say trying that is less than satisfying. I would recommend hand-held use only. There is a cap at the back that can regulate suction, but it has only a very mild effect. I would recommend keeping it closed to contain the “effects.”

Speaking of effects, herein lies the Achilles’ Heel of the Fleshlight: cleanup. According to a few girls I’ve talked to, it seems much easier to clean a real vagina than this thing. First off: clean it immediately after use. If you wait, things start to dry and start to smell. Once, I was post-orgasmically lazy and decided to put on the front and rear caps and clean it “later;” later ended up being when I found it under my bed after a week. The cleanup from that was truly horrifying. But even if you wash it immediately, it is a pain washing the inside and outside of the sleeve, and then the many parts of the container. The inside of the sleeve is particularly difficult, as it involves stretching it to inhumane geometries to properly get a cleaning digit/utensil deep in. The sleeve cannot be boiled, so it cannot be sterilized easily, and thus should be used by a single individual only. Even after proper cleaning, the surface of the sleeve is a bit cohesive, and powdering it occasionally with cornstarch is recommended. It is for this cleanup regimen that the Fleshlight is docked points for design.

A final note about couples’ use: recommended. Giving your girl a second vagina to wield can be a psychological turn-on for her and a physical one for you.

Design: C

Efficacy: B+

Anyone who has ever taken basic Physics, which is a graduation requirement at MIT, can tell you that friction is the arch-nemesis of motion. Friction always opposes motion, and whenever bodies are in contact, a la intercourse, there will be friction. Some friction is a good thing, but too much can lead to painful consequences. When that happens, the result isn’t pleasant for either partner. Usually there’s a chain reaction: if a partner goes dry, the other partner goes soft. Many a virgin has botched an attempt at losing it because of too much friction.

Luckily, most women naturally lubricate during arousal. Even then, it can only go so far. For the more adventurous, natural lubrication doesn’t do anything to help anal sex. Attempting anal for the first time without the use of synthetic lube sounds equally as painful as natural childbirth. Lube isn’t just for anal sex, though. That’s what prompted me to learn more about it.

For all the sexual health items out there, lube isn’t usually considered a necessity; if anything, it’s a luxury item. Condoms are usually lubricated, and some consider that enough. With of all my previous random hookups, I can’t say that I’ve ever encountered a guy who kept a bottle of lube at hand. If I had, I would’ve thought it was just “lube at first sight;” or, I would’ve run in terror. Thinking back on it, the first time I tried lube, I actually developed a rather nasty yeast infection, which was enough to keep me away for over a year.

The drugstore brands of lubricants are almost always water-based. The benefit is that water-based lube dries up afterwards and they don’t degrade latex condoms. However, that also means that it typically doesn’t last as long as a silicone-based product. For this reason, it is a really bad idea to use them during anal sex. For those insistent on a drugstore brand for anal usage, try water-based Astroglide, but stay away from the warming version.

Those brave enough to venture into an “adult” store (or use the Internet) will find that there are many more options. Silicone based lubricants not only last longer, but they’re not difficult to clean. I either use baby wipes or towels. For this reason, silicone lubes are much better for anal usage: the wetness still feels natural, and it lasts. Unfortunately, some of these lubricants can smell of burning rubber. Then there’s the problem of sex toys. Most sex toys are silicone, and silicone-based lubes with silicone toys lead to your favorite toys becoming a ruined gummy mess.

For those hesitant about chemicals, there are also vegan and organic lubricants. When judging lubes, one should consider the factors of dry-out, smell, and stickiness. No one wants to constantly reapply lube, just as no one wants to smell like burnt rubber. With all these options out there, what’s a college student to do? Here’s our take on a few of the products on the market.

Lena: Though I’m not one to encourage herd mentality, Pjur Original is the best-selling silicone-based lubricant in the world, and in this case, it makes sense to follow the masses. Unlike its competitors, Pjur doesn’t include aphrodisiacs or scents in its lubricants, and that’s fine by me since I’m more interested in the actual lubrication than I am in frou-frou additions. Pjur Original and Aqua, its water-based formula, are two of my favorite lubricants because they never dry out, and they don’t get sticky either. (Trust me, I’ve tried rubbing some between my palms and the lube was entirely absorbed by my skin.) The German company, whose name is pronounced “pure,” not “puh-jour,” has an extensive product line with specially formulated lubricants for an array of activities and participants (men, women, anal sex, etc.). As a plus, bottles come in a sleek, cylindrical design so minimalist that they could be mistaken for shaving cream. If you’re easily embarrassed about the contents of your shopping basket, this is as discreet as it gets.

Grade: A

Christine: I had never tried silicone-based lube until Pjur, and, honestly, I wasn’t sure what to expect. This brand has converted me into an avid silicone lube user. With silicone lubes, you can use less, as they’re more concentrated. A little bit lasts, even in the water-based version, and there’s also no scent. It’s not sticky, and it’s gentle. It makes the sex smooth, without adding any strange sensations. It came off easily afterwards, and I thought my skin even felt softer. Honestly it is just lube, plain and simple: I would call it the most no-bullshit lube out there.

Grade: A

Lena: Empowered Products has two product lines, Pink for women and Gun Oil for men, which come in silicone- and water-based varieties. The men’s line claims to have been developed by a group of marines who based the formula on the military-issue gun oil they used to jerk off “while hunkered down in the trenches of Kuwait” during Operation Desert Storm. Upon scent and touch, this just seems like your standard unscented, no-nonsense lubricant to me, but longer usage demonstrates that Gun Oil was made to last. A dollop of the stuff, which has a just-thick-enough consistency, is enough to keeps thing slippery with the need for constant reapplication. Pink, which is slightly thinner, is even more economical. Just a few drops of it will do!

Grade: B

Christine: I love the bottle design for Pink, and it’s recommend by many women’s magazines. However, I find that Pink requires me to use a little bit more than I would expect from a silicone-based product. While the bottle design is cute for Pink, it’s easy to get hardened residue clogging the nozzle. I thought these products were inconsistent in their consistencies across their lines. I liked Gun Oil the best. It had the best consistency: not sticky or thick. And I wouldn’t mind having this as my go-to lube. However, some of the Pinks were thin, and others made up for this by being slightly gloppy.

Grade: A-

Lena: Often considered the go-to drugstore brand, KY Jelly is unfortunately all hype, no substance. Like Trojan condoms, KY Jelly has done a remarkable job of pushing its products and as a result, is the most successful lubricant brand on the market. But take it from someone who once braved the CVS checkout line at 16 with a bottle of KY Warming Liquid in hand: Stay away! I spent years defaulting to KY because I knew no other brands, and I can tell you that you might as well save your money. KY products don’t last long enough for anal but are way too much for vaginal sex. They have a tendency to dry out fast, feel extremely thick (perhaps because they were originally meant for surgical use — take that as you will), and become a sticky, gummy mess. I’m giving KY a C-, but I am, after all, a student at Harvard, the land of grade inflation and Gentlemen’s Bs, so I think we all know what this grade really means.

Grade: C-

Christine: KY Jelly is the first lube I’ve ever tried. It was supposed to help make sex less painful, and instead, I got a nasty yeast infection from it. My naïve high school self believed this was the only lube on the market, and I just gave up on lube afterwards. It was such a pain to have to constantly reapply it during sex, and then I would feel even more dried out than I was to begin with. Honestly, I’m not sure there’s anything nice I can say about this brand. On second thought, it doesn’t really smell of anything, but it doesn’t really do anything either.

Grade: D

Lena: Try to ignore the cheesy name and focus on the fact that you can score a bottle of bliss for under $15. Though the bulk of Kama Sutra products are romance-related items, like massage oil and body paint, they’re also the makers of a stand-out lubricant. Love Liquid blows its over-the-counter counterparts away with an easily absorbable formula perfect for gliding and sliding without leaving behind gooey remainders. Indian magic at work? Probably not, but I’ll settle for what I can get.

Grade: B+

Christine: Love Liquid is a water-based lubricant that has a good consistency. It’s not too thick, and it’s not too sticky either. There’s also no strong scent. The bottle claims it’s lightly textured, but I didn’t notice any texture. I’m not sure that I would enjoy texture either, as that implies more friction. I’m not a fan of grooved or twisted condoms, but I realize that some people enjoy these products. If you’re looking for texture, I didn’t notice it here. However, for a reliable water-based lube, I would recommend it.

Grade: B+

Lena: I really wanted to like this one, and at first, I did. Unscented and vegan-friendly, Hathor Aphrodisia’s Lubricant Pure initially reminded me of Pjur because it obeys the cardinal rule of lube: slippery, not sticky. Unfortunately, after giving Lubricant Pure a few goes, I was sold on its claims of being “soothing and gentle” and decided to apply it quite liberally during a sex session a few days after a painful gynecology appointment. I don’t know if it was my scarred cervix (poor thing) or the formula’s Horny Goat Weed, an aphrodisiac, but the burning sensation that resulted was alarming enough (not painful, but alarming) that I commented on it mid-intercourse. My boyfriend described my insides as “rather warm” but given my overly sensitive nether regions, I decided to permanently ban Hathor from my bathroom cabinet for fear of vaginal post-traumatic stress disorder. If you’re a fan of heating lubes, however, I’d recommend this over the KY variety any day. Whether or not the ingredients contain purported aphrodisiac properties, Jujube Zizyphus and Siberian Ginseng sound a lot less suspicious than some of the things I’ve seen on ingredient labels.

Grade: B+

Christine: Whenever a lube claims to be flavored, my curiosity always gets the best of me. I’m not sure who came up with concept of flavored lube, but I still haven’t encountered anything that doesn’t taste synthetic. Hathor Aphrodisia comes in an unscented, unflavored form, and then there’s Chocolate-Strawberry. Who doesn’t love the taste of chocolate mixed with strawberries? I thought this would solve the conundrum of hand job with lube or blowjob, by allowing me the best of both worlds. Instead, I was drowning my disappointments with water. While it’s vegan friendly, that doesn’t excuse the fact it looks like brown goop. It also didn’t smell of chocolate or strawberries. My partner and I were both immediately reaching for the baby wipes. The brown coloring I mentioned earlier made it look like I was spotting, which was a major mood killer. In the unscented version, we had better luck. First of all, it wasn’t brown. Nor did it stink. The unscented version allowed me to actually test the lube. I discovered that, while it was smooth, it still dried out quickly. However, it still lasted longer than some water-based lubes.

Grade: C

Lena: The first syllable of this lubricant’s moniker is an indication of where it is best applied. I purchased my first bottle when a mailing list I read concluded that Astroglide was the best lubricant for anal sex. Four years later, my experiences with anal are still rather limited, but I credit Astroglide for being the only thing that kept me from huddling in the corner after the deed was done. (It hasn’t disappointed in vaginal intercourse, either). Yes, the purple bottle is slightly gaudy, and no, the company doesn’t have a huge product line, but thanks to its non-greasy, slick, and long-lasting properties, Astroglide is the cheapest, reliable option whether you’re knocking on the backdoor, getting it on missionary-style, flying solo, or prepping a Slip ’N Slide.

Grade: A-

Christine: I first heard of Astroglide when it came to anal sex. Actually, I think it was from Tucker Max’s infamous anal sex story, where he discusses squeezing half a bottle of it in a girl’s ass. As he learns in that story, a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts 6 months of frequent sex. Two ounces of it is just asking for a slippery mess. A little bit of this liquid goes a long way. It’s not sticky, and for the price, it’s a great value. While I still prefer my silicone lubes (which just lasts longer), I don’t mind using Astroglide. It actually evokes nostalgia, as it’s the lube that made me realize how much of a difference lube can actually make. There have been times during an extra long sex session that I will stop and reapply this, but for most sexual encounters, I’ve never had any issues. It’s also the easiest to get, as it’s available at most drug stores.

Grade: B+

Years ago, the fuss was over fellatio; nowadays, it’s everywhere. In a story on Duke University, Rolling Stone said, “oral sex [is] nearly ubiquitous, regarded as sort of a form of elaborate kissing that doesn’t really mean very much.” Likening oral sex to elaborate kissing might be extreme, but it isn’t extreme to say that oral sex has become a widely accepted practice.

Is anal sex next? Sex columnist Dan Savage has proclaimed that “anal is the new oral.” But some people are still repulsed at the very idea of it. The most common objection is: “But I poop from there!” (Yeah, well, mouths and vaginas aren’t exactly the cleanest things in the world either.) Poop tends to be higher up in the rectum than one might expect, and so long as one doesn’t need to shit before having anal sex, it’s nowhere near as messy as some people claim. One shouldn’t even need to use an enema or other laxative.

Then there’s the debate over whether or not anal sex is even enjoyable for women. While women do not have prostate glands like men, anal sex can still be enjoyable due to the nerve endings and stimulation of the g-spot from behind. Unpleasant experiences are usually just the result of poor technique or a lack of preparation. Unlike vaginas, butts are not capable of lubricating. Not only should one use lubricant, but it’s also good to consider the usage of other aids like butt plugs or anal beads, which are a great warm-up for those self-conscious of their butts. In my opinion, they’re best used during sex, and they cause quite the sensation when pulled out during climaxing.

Anal sex is enjoyable for guys because of the aforementioned prostate gland. However, some argue that pegging (a guy being penetrated by a woman with a strap-on dildo) is emasculating, even to the point of suggesting homosexuality. I have gay friends who prefer oral over anal, and the suggestion of some deeper implication of enjoying anal stimulation is ignorant, at best.

When I saw that The Tech was asking for virginity stories, I realized that my first sexual experience wasn’t worth recounting. My virginity story can be best described as “disappointing,” and putting virginity on a pedestal usually leads to this disappointment. My first time wasn’t anything magical. But my first anal time was.

I didn’t lose my anal virginity until years after I first had sex. It was a mix of passion, pleasure, and a dash of pain, all combining to form the statement “Can we have a round 2?” immediately afterwards. It was what I had wanted from my first experience; I can’t do the experience justice with words.

Anal sex requires more intimacy than vaginal sex. A girl has to be able to relax and trust her partner, or else the sex is just painful. Because people think that anal sex is messy (it’s not), most partners only attempt it they comfortable with each other’s bodies. And the guy has to know what he’s doing, and to remember to use lube. Many a friend of mine has described situations where men have tried it on the first hookup, without lube. This will be a trainwreck: Always use lube! Since not everyone keeps it on them, anal sex requires a bit more planning.

I don’t always prefer anal sex to vaginal sex — the sensations are different — but at the very least it adds spice to the bedroom. Anal might never be as widely accepted as oral, but it is the one sexual act I have found that is worth the hype.

The other day, I had the unique experience of trying to open a coconut for personal consumption. It began with a butter knife and misplaced optimism. It ended with three sharp cooking knives, a multitool saw blade, a claw hammer, multiple nails of varying sizes, and one still-unrefreshed columnist. Oh, and a lounge so covered in coconut entrails that it could probably have been used as a set for a tropical-plant remake of The Silence of the Lambs.

When I first purchased the coconut, I had two images in my head. One involved making horse-clopping sounds and prancing around campus debating swallow migration patterns. The other was a memory of a childhood summer in Belize during which drinking straight from the coconut one of the most refreshing and singular experiences of my young life. Unfortunately, my knowledge of coconut anatomy was so limited, both then and now, that I had to be explicitly enlightened as to the proper means of processing a coconut. As it happens, it typically involves less leisurely straw-sipping and more slicing and scooping — and only if all goes according to plan.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with coconuts, the one I bought had already had the outer shell removed, so that my adversary consisted of a fibrous, soft husk surrounding the hard brown nut used for cooking, bowling, and tropical brassieres of questionable authenticity. Straight off the tree, a typical coconut has several layers, with the water and meat in the center to the outer green shell. Basically, it’s like an onion. A sadistic, adamantine onion.

It is with some small shame that I admit that I am so lazy with regards to food that I have on occasion purchased sliced apples while half a dozen whole apples sat uneaten in my room. Not only am I letting down my parents’ sense of thrift, I’m disappointing the environment, too. So when I tell you that I really, really wanted to get to the middle of this coconut, I hope you understand exactly how dedicated (and thirsty) I was. Desperate times (brought about my insufficient motivation to go out and buy milk or juice) called for desperate measures — which brings me back to the hammer and multitool.

At first, I was just interested in the coconut water, having fallen victim to an evening case of being lip-smackingly parched. Figuring that taking a blade to a liquid-filled sphere on the same desk where my computer sat was not and would never be a good idea, I took the coconut into the lounge, where I found a friend who was willing to lend me his high-grade cutlery. It was lucky for me he stuck around out of morbid curiosity, because he ultimately lent me the rest of my arsenal as the night went on. How close I came to borrowing a rotary saw, I don’t care to say.

Long story short, the proper means of opening a coconut, depending on what you’re trying to achieve, can mean cutting a small hole to drink from using a straw (if you’re my uncle) or pulling off the husk and tapping at the nut with a boat propeller until it separates neatly into cloppable halves (if you’re Survivorman).

It does not, however, entail hacking and slashing at the husk to create a bald spot, hammering holes in either side to drain the water over the course of fifteen minutes (which wasn’t even all that refreshing — I ended up buying an orange soda from the downstairs vending machine), perforating the coconut with even more nail holes like some bizarre tropical crucifixion, prying it half an inch open with a multitool, then bashing it with a hammer until it caves in. I don’t think the coconut farmers are going to be asking me to write an instruction manual on the process anytime soon.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some shopping to do. At least pistachios and cherries have reasonably tasty rewards for the amount of effort required to prepare them — even more so for the associated ice cream flavors.