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CORRECTION TO THIS ARTICLE:
Stanley P. Gill ‘14, a Contributing Editor for Volume 134, did not make it to the Sochi Winter Olympics, having decided that the risks of ski jump outweighed the benefits.

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Some have said that if one were to count total number of medals won by The Tech’s Managing Board in the Winter Olympics up to now, it would be the equivalent of a small tropical country that had never seen snow before in their lives.

But that all changes with the upcoming Winter Olympics, where many of our talented V134 Managing Board members will be taking on the task of earning as many medals as the Bahamas. Incoming Managing Editor Judy Hsiang ’12 persuaded the Olympic officials to allow The Tech to bypass the qualification process. Some may question her methods, but Judy always swears by arm wrestling and her “Iron Fist.”

Through extensive marketing, incumbent Business Manager Joyce Zhang ’16 has earned The Tech enough money to sponsor our esteemed athletes. When asked if the athletes could fly first class to Sochi, Joyce commented, “Honey, be glad that we still have prodmunchies.”

Finding the challenge of any single event insufficient, Chairman Annia Pan ’15 invented a new combination sport to premier at these winter games, skelugeton. Skelugeton incorporates the dangers of luge and extremes of skeleton into one fast-paced, death-defying race.

Editor In Chief Austin Hess ’15 has been charged with the daunting task of bringing honor to The Tech’s Ice Hockey Team. Although he will face insurmountable odds as one scrawny college student against six highly trained, highly muscled, and very angry professional hockey players, Hess is confident he can talk the other teams into submission. We’ll offer more coverage on that as the situation develops.

Rising stars in the sport of snowboarding, newly elected Production Editors, Esme Rhine ’15 and Will Conway ’16 credit their athleticism “to hours not spent on the ripstik.” At the time of the interview, incumbent production editor Anthony Yu ’16 was still attempting to master this elusive skill and was unable to comment.

One wouldn’t exactly say that the newly elected Arts Editors, Chennah Heroor ’15 and Denis Bozic ’15, are the favorites for Gold in Figure Skating, but their vast experience in critiquing ballet performances has prepared them for whatever commentary the judges have in store. Whatever the outcome, they probably plan to review themselves anyway.

Also, look out for Opinion Editor Jacob London ’15, who plans to wow the judges in Ice Dancing with baltering moves.

In preparation for the upcoming games, incoming News Editors have turned their weekly meetings into curling sessions. Kath Xu ’16 and Tushar Kamath ’16 have perfected their sweeping motion by cleaning the office, and Leon Lin ’16 has trained for the skip position by emitting the occasional and startling “huhWHAT?”

The sole Tech representative for short track speed skating, Online Media Editor Stephen Suen ’15 picked the sport because he was “drawn to the form fitting uniforms.”

Although the danger is great, Photography Editors have committed to entering the ski jump to bring glory to the student group. “Yeah I’ve never skied before, and sure, it’s really terrifying, but think of the great shot I’ll be able to get from the peak of the jump!” says Tami Forrester ’15. Chris Maynor ’15 maintains that he will be able to face the slopes without any courage enhancing liquids.

Campus Life Editor Kali Xu ’15 was devastated to hear that her ski ballet exhibition had been canceled. She was rumored to be the savior of the sport, which will have to wait another 4 years before it may appear at the Olympics again.

At press time, the Tech’s business department was deep in research as to how much any medals won would earn if sold on the internet. Operations Manager, Maria Fabre ’16, is confident that profits will be enough to purchase one-eighth of a dogecoin. Advertising Manager, Nayeon Kim ’16, has also entered talks with Sillybandz for endorsement by the Tech’s illustrious athletes.

Sports Editors Ali C. Soylemezoglu ’17 and Austin Osbourne ’15 don’t plan on entering any Olympic events because of extensive leg injuries sustained while playing real, ‘Merican sports.

Senior Editors Anne Cai ’14, Deborah Chen ’14, Bruno B. F. Faviero ’15, Sarah Ritter ’14 and Jessica L. Wass ’14 plan on becoming the dream team as they bobsled to victory, recognizing the appeal of a sport that allows them to do all the work early on and then coast the rest of the way.

All results will be posted by on an Olympic Website, which Technology Director Greg Steinbrecher G estimates will be up by February 2018.

The Tech’s Advisory Board Paul E. Schindler, Jr. ’74, V. Michael Bove ’83, Barry S. Surman ’84, Deborah A. Levinson ’91, Jonathan E. D. Richmond PhD ’91, Karen Kaplan ’93, Saul Blumenthal ’98, Frank Dabek ’00, Satwiksai Seshasai ’01, Daniel Ryan Bersak ’02, Eric J. Cholankeril ’02, Nathan Collins SM ’03, Tiffany Dohzen ’06, Beckett W. Sterner ’06, Marissa Vogt ’06, Andrew T. Lukmann ’07, Zachary Ozer ’07, Austin Chu ’08, Michael McGraw-Herdeg ’08, Omari Stephens ’08, Marie Y. Thibault ’08, Ricardo Ramirez ’09, Nick Semenkovich ’09, Angeline Wang ’09, Quentin Smith ’10, Jeff Guo ’11, Ethan A. Solomon ’12, Connor Kirschbaum ’13, Jessica J. Pourian ’13, Aislyn Schalck ’13, and B. D. Colen have committed to politely clapping during the events and trying really hard not to fall asleep in the middle.