I envy people like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, who get to talk about the many political absurdities on broadcast television. Since the beginning of the debates for next year’s Republican presidential primaries, the two hosts have had daily opportunities to expose how amazingly unfit for duty some candidates are. If I wanted to enumerate all the astonishing remarks made by the candidates, I think I would have to fill up an entire edition of The Tech. Instead, what follows is a “Best Of” list covering the top three candidates, who have managed to show unparalleled creativity in the many ways they mess up. So without further ado, let’s look at our winners.
The Bronze Medal goes to ex-Governor Mitt Romney, the pioneer of the current Massachusetts state healthcare system. Providing one of the most successful healthcare systems in the nation, Romney’s healthcare legislation created the necessary foundation for Obamacare. But wait! Isn’t Obama a Democrat? That’s right; the man who inspired President Obama’s breakthrough healthcare legislation that many consider to be the vanguard of universal healthcare is now against it. Romney’s amazing ability to frequently change his political stance to appeal to as much of the electorate as humanly possible has therefore earned him the Bronze Medal, along with the coveted “I Don’t Care What I Say As Long As It Puts Me in the Oval Office” award.
Onto our runner-up, the winner of the Silver Medal: Rick Perry. As the governor of Texas, Perry prides himself on having signed off on 234 executions during his eleven years of tenure. Originally opposed to the idea of a national tax rate (e.g. Cain’s 9-9-9 plan), Perry soon changed his song after seeing the momentum Cain’s own plan gave him. Perry’s biggest accomplishment to date, however, took place during last week’s GOP debate. While counting the three departments of government he would get rid of if he were elected President, Perry forgot the third office he intended to scrap, joked about his forgetfulness and, despite the other candidates’ most candid efforts, could simply not regain his train of thought. I hereby award Perry the Silver Medal and the “Sorry, Oops” ribbon.
Former president and CEO of the National Restaurant Association and former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, Herman Cain is, according to some polls, the current frontrunner of the Republican pack. In an effort to appeal to the conservative base, Cain has targeted people’s feelings about immigration. Proposing the creation of a giant fence along the Mexican border was standard fare, until he mentioned electrifying said fence. Then he said it was a joke. Finally, he said that it wasn’t a joke so long as people wanted it. Unfortunately for Cain, sticking to one policy is generally regarded as an important trait in a president. In addition to his firm grasp on international issues (U-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, et al.), Cain has also brilliantly masterminded his now infamous 9-9-9 tax plan, which will certainly appeal to the poor portion of his electorate. In light of all these accomplishments, I am proud to award Mr. Cain the Gold Medal and respectfully bestow upon him the “I Did Not Touch Those Women” honorary mention.
Congratulations to all of our winners for excellence in outlandishness and incomparability. More than ever, I find myself wondering about the results of next-year’s primaries and the presidential election. They will certainly be interesting.