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As the sexy beast I am — chicks dig acne — it should be no surprise to anyone that I have had a number of lovers over the years. Here, I go through my past relationships and explain why they ended:

Neopets

In elementary school, I was in love with — no, obsessed with — Neopets and would spend entire days on the site playing Flash minigames, battling other pets, and making my Neopets stronger. One day, I became aware of the existence of an in-game item called the Wand of Nova, and I wanted it desperately. While it was incredibly expensive, I nevertheless decided it would be mine one day.

After a full year of waking up early enough to spend time on Neopets before school, I finally earned enough Neopoints to buy the Wand of Nova. During my first battle using the wand, it broke. That was the last time that I ever played Neopets.

Physical Contact In Idaho

When I was in elementary school, my friends and I created the Idaho Potatomen Club. One of our favorite recess activities was playing a game we invented called Physical Contact in Idaho, in which we would throw antibacterial hand wipes in the air and at each other and attempt to catch them. I loved this game, and we played it almost every recess. However, I eventually graduated from elementary school, and there was no recess in middle school. As a result, Physical Contact in Idaho and I had to say goodbye.

Playing With My Hands

For me, the elementary school coursework was easy and didn’t really require that I pay attention. I developed a number of creative ways to keep myself busy during class, such as writing on my pants. One of my favorite activities was playing with my hands. One hand would be evil, the other hand would be good, and my hands would shoot imaginary balls of energy and have Dragonball-esque battles with each other. However, after realizing how weird this game looked to everyone else, my hand battles became confined to the privacy of my bedroom. As I grew older, my relationship with Playing With My Hands became more serious, and we did more than merely pretend my hands were fighting each other. For instance, my hands would also become star quarterbacks and point guards.

Unfortunately, my relationship with Playing With My Hands was just too much for me to endure physically. Playing With My Hands liked it rough, and my hands would often become red and sore after punching and tackling each other. Recognizing the importance of preserving my hands for future relationships with computer keyboards and gaming consoles, we broke up.

Fanta Orange

During my freshman year of high school, I loved Fanta Orange. However, our relationship faced a significant roadblock: my parents didn’t approve of my drinking soda. Still, true love always prevails, and I ended up finding ways to spend time with Fanta without my parents knowing about it. However, the limited time Fanta and I spent together was never enough to satisfy our insatiable desires.

Then one day, my English class decided to exchange gifts for a special occasion. Knowing about my relationship with Fanta, my gift giver gave me tons of Fanta Orange. All of a sudden, I was spending more time with Fanta than ever before, and the relationship became suffocating. Soon, I was cheating on Fanta with other soft drinks, and we eventually broke up.

BreakingNYC

During my freshman year at MIT, I spent my breakfasts with BreakingNYC, the personal vlog of Ray William Johnson. However, to my incredible disappointment, on May 12, 2010, Ray William Johnson stopped updating BreakingNYC, and our relationship came to an abrupt end.

To my excitement, I learned just recently that Ray William Johnson has begun updating BreakingNYC again. Unfortunately, our second relationship has failed to recapture the magic of the first one. Ray William Johnson moved from New York City to Los Angeles, a location I’m less interested in learning about, and two of my favorite characters, Meekakitty and WillOfDC, get almost no airtime in the new videos. While this may eventually prove to be an on-again, off-again relationship, for now, we are no longer dating.

Four Hours of Sleep

During my junior and senior years of high school, I usually woke up in the morning with Four Hours of Sleep — if even that. Even though I had caffeine-withdrawal headaches every day and felt emotionally unsatisfied, I couldn’t bring myself to end our relationship.

However, after I arrived at MIT, I started cheating on Four Hours of Sleep with Eight Hours of Sleep, and I realized what I was missing — what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship. I became like Soulja Boy in the morning, hopping up out of bed and turning my swag on. During the day, I liked going to class and enjoyed doing problem sets. Getting more sleep made a huge difference.

Fortunately for everyone else, Eight Hours of Sleep and I are in an open relationship, so don’t be afraid to wake up in the morning with her if you’d like to give Eight Hours of Sleep a chance yourself.