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Valentine’s Day is this Sunday, and regardless of your relationship status, you should learn to “love” yourself properly.

Sex toys and lubricants are the two products that helped me discover the hype about sex. Learning how to get off properly isn’t as intuitive as other physical necessities, but once learned, it gives the life-lasting benefit of being able to help your future partners.

There’s no shame in purchasing sex toys: They makes getting off faster and easier, and it’s perfectly natural for people to still masturbate even when they’re satisfied with their sex life.

While the cost of a solid sex toy is more than most college students have lying around, with a little bit of scrimping, it’s a well well worth the investment.

I would even advocate trying cheaper sex toys out that have fewer features for introductions. A good bullet can always be purchased for under $20, and it’s just as effective as anything else out there for clitoral stimulation. The replacement batteries at Good Vibes are only $1 a pack, and they power the toy for around four hours.

Some of the stories we received were funny and heartfelt; some were creepy; some were just sad. We’ve printed some of our favories here, edited for content.

We tried hard to satisfy everyone’s requests. If you didn’t get anything, I still hope that you’ll use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to improve your sex life.

— Christine Yu

Why I can’t find a good man in 18

I’m course 18. Really, that should say enough without reading further, but I’ll explain anyway... You may be getting other submissions that ask you to pity them, but I’ll tell you why course 18s have it the worst. We need sex toys because we have no hope of finding competent men in the field of math.

All the other science and engineering majors have hands-on lab experience by the time they graduate. Even in 6-3, by the time a guy taken 6.01, he has the meticulous hand skills required to build a breadboard circuit. A man with these skills can surely find the clitoris. Meanwhile, the only implements math men are used to are pencils, clearly phallic, and LaTeX; everything encourages them to think about nothing but their dicks. Without a real lab, Course 18s can’t even hope to be able to please a woman.

No matter what branch of math these men are studying, they make incompetent and selfish lovers.

Those studying algorithms try to reach peaks in the fastest time possible; obviously, these peaks won’t be mine. Calculus-oriented men have limited talents and can only get me asymptotically close to coming. Plus, they’re lazy, always insisting on being the area under my curves.

The probabilists claim their bad performance is “almost surely” only temporary. And the topologists see my pussy as a damn doughnut! (Unfortunately, it’s a doughnut they definitely don’t know how to eat.)

In need of a little assistance

Some girls are built for orgasms — I’m not one of them. After listening to my friends talk about coming two, three, four times during sex, I was pretty convinced that I would never get to experience even one orgasm. I didn’t have my first one until I bought a toy last year. Turns out the problem wasn’t incompetent partners — I just need a little extra power to get over the edge. Now I have a boyfriend who is wonderful in every way — including in bed. Despite his sincere and repeated efforts, I still can’t finish without a little electronic help. Other vibrators are awkward to use during sex — they kind of break the mood. The We-Vibe would be perfect for both of us. This Valentine’s Day, I want to share everything with him — including an orgasm.

Learning to do it for myself

I’ve opened up a lot sexually since I got to MIT, and before I got here I literally shuddered at the mention of anything like masturbation. Needless to say, I have had a pretty drastic change of opinion on that front, and it really is true that having fun with yourself teaches you a lot about what you do and don’t like, and what does and doesn’t work for you. As there don’t seem to be any guys in my immediate future, I’d like to spend Valentine’s Day with a date I know won’t disappoint me.

My lover (and orgasms) are so far away

Having a love of your life who is on the other side of the coast most of the time does tends to make a girl feel lonely emotionally and sexually, especially on a Valentine’s Day when it is not possible to go on jet-hopping in this economy and the sad fact that a typical college student is usually cash-poor. Every single night, he would call and tell me that he misses and loves me, while trying to use nerdy, romantic physics pick-up lines on me: “I want my capacitor to discharge in your circuit” or “Baby, I’m the eigenvalue to your Schrodinger wave function... I make your love multiply!”

When we are together for those rare moments, he ignites such exploding emotions inside of me, in the hollows of my upper cavity, as well down there. He was my first. He brought me to my first orgasm. He is my first love and boyfriend. He can work magic with his fingers and mouth. He was perfect in every way.

Many times, every night, my body remembers and misses him so badly, that I can’t but help feel the longings for him. So I’m hoping for a vibrator, either Tantus Echo Vibrator or OhMiBod, to get me to that Big O and wait for the time to pass in order to reunite with the love of my life in the coming months.

Help my boyfriend give me what I want

I have never been able to orgasm during sex. Actually, not during any interaction with another person. I’ve had enjoyable experiences, but I’ve been struggling with all the mental blocks and the rest of that bullshit that gets in the way of being able to let go and get off. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve masturbated, and I orgasm perfectly fine. But I even struggle doing that in front of another person — leading to not getting off, taking a huge amount of time, or a crappy orgasm. I don’t even know what a vaginal orgasm feels like or where my G-spot is. Maybe because of bad situations with past relationships (or lack thereof), I have trust issues and illogical apprehensions and a dozen of other things holding me back. But now, I’m in my longest, and first real relationship with a great and loving guy. We have plenty of sex and he’s been so patient and understanding. I know he just wants me to feel good too (as do I), but I don’t even know where to start. I just want to try something out and see if it will help.

Salve my conscience with a sex toy

As a young girl i would collect worms in a plastic ziploc bag unaware of the slow, suffocating death that awaited them. I feel it is only fair for me to share my pleasure with the poor worms that I so unfortunately killed years ago. Please, please let me make it up to them with your “Big Teaze, I rub my wormie,” It would make me happy and my conscience happy.

Coitus interruptus

It was a hot, steamy summer night. I returned to my room only to find that the brick enclosure had been transformed into an oven by the August heat. Having no air conditioner to turn to, I stripped down and lay on the bed motionless, wishing the humidity would abate.

Enter my boyfriend. As I was already naked, the activity of the night seemed inevitable. We commenced. Enjoying myself, I expressed myself accordingly. I was getting pretty into it until a sound pierced through the thin wall that separated my bedroom sex dungeon from my neighbor’s pit of plastic silverware and old New Yorkers, playing at full volume...

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM. OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

The mood was permanently fractured by the rush of images that flooded my brain: rats and bunnies getting their fill of nutritious vegetables. I sat with my mouth wide open in shock as my boyfriend huddled in a shame ball at the end of the bed. My neighbor had won that battle, avenging his interrupted slumber and ruining my sex.

But I can prevail! [A sex toy] will elevate the quality of my sex, causing me to scream in ecstasy and drown out whatever ammo my neighbor may direct my way. Only you can prevent my sex life from being ravaged by Internet memes.

A poetic interlude

‘Twas a cold February 14th night,

My situation was not one of delight:

With me, there was no one whom I could treasure,

no one from whom I could derive physical pleasure.

For me, there was no wonderful guy,

and so I sat alone with my wine, and sighed.

I thought, “There must be something I can do,”

and searched my mind for any a clue.

I looked high and low, and pondered real hard,

but there’s no motivation without even a Valentine’s Day card.

Finally, “Aha! I need no boy!

The only thing that’s necessary is a sex toy!

“But where can I get one? I don’t want to be kinky…

I certainly don’t want to buy something dinky. “

I began once more to pace the room,

feeling a kind of impending doom.

I sighed again, and then picked up the Tech,

“Might as well read it, I mean, what the heck.”

As soon as I opened the paper I saw

something that made me drop my jaw:

“Sex Toy Giveaway!” …something I could win!

Oh, what a wonderful state I’d be in…

And so I ask, for this day of love,

please give me a sex toy from heaven above.