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1 — Civil and Environmental: Congratulations, Barack says you are not frakked. Now start making windmills.

2 — Mech-E: Frakked. Big Time. Unless you can manufacture a machine that evicts people (see: IDF, tank, Gaza Strip).

3 — Material Sciences: Unless the materials you’re sciencing happen to be the endless supply of US Dollars we’re printing like confetti, you’re frakked too.

4 — Architecture: Bad news. New home construction numbers are way down. Good news. Barack wants to renovate all those schools — that and we have to build some place to put those former Gitmo detainees.

5 — Chem: Thankfully your thankless job synthesizing compounds still awaits you.

6 — CS: Your days of free dental plans, happy hours, wine tastings, stocked fridges, celebrity chefs, 24 hour concierge service, Swedish massages, levitating Aeron chairs, hot air balloon travel, replica light sabers, dinosaur parks, and trophy wives are now over … but you’re still less frakked than the rest of us (until India takes your jobs).

7 — Bio: Nothing changes. How frakked you are is still inversely proportional to your MCAT score.

8 — Phys: “There’s a recession going on?” you say, lifting your head from that quantum p-set.

9 — Brain Cog: Better get cracking inventing new ways to interrogate people now that all the fun methods are banned.

10 — Chem E: See 5, unless you want to sell your soul and work for petrochemical. If so, enjoy frakking up the Earth some more.

11 — Urban Studies: You’re still mayor … of your Sim City 3000 game.

12 — EAPS: Birkenstocks are recession proof. And thankfully you’ll be saving us from those Course 10 people.

13 — Ocean Engineering: We still have oceans? I thought global warming took care of that …

14 — Economics: This is all your fault. Payback’s a bitch ain’t it?

15 — Management: Ditto

16 — Aero Astro: You never actually had a chance of being an astronaut.

17 — Polisci: Try Alaska where the standards for political positions are much lower. In other news, JESUS HAS RETURNED; Who cares about a job?

18 — Math: What do you mean I can’t parlay this into a six figure hedge fund job anymore? How else can I sell my soul?

20 — BE: For the love of God, hurry up and design a pink pill that will make our troubles go away.

21 — Humanities: You’ve got some stiff competition waiting tables now that everyone else is just as unemployed.

22 — Nuclear Science: Congratulations! There’s a guy named Mahmoud waiting outside who would love to offer you a position for make benefit the glorious nation of Iran.

24 — Linguistics and Philosophy: Being employed is so frakking passe.