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I fuck the wrong guys. The common saying on campus is, “the odds are good, but the goods are odd,” and well, that has become the mantra of my life.

So, what’s a girl to do? Ambitious girl that I am, I decided to replace men with a good vibrator and a nice stuffed animal. See, I have this problem: I’m a cuddler. Sometimes, I think I have sex for the sole sake of post-coital cuddling bliss.

It turns out a stuffed animal is much easier to purchase than a vibrator, and I’m a picky cuddler! I never realized just how difficult finding a vibrator is. I mean, it’s a piece of plastic that vibrates. How hard can it be?

Unfortunately, like all technologies, there are many more facets that one would never think of. Even though most students here love talking about the latest technology, this doesn’t apply to sex toys. So, I wasn’t even sure where to begin with this. I thought, maybe, I would buy a few and review them. Then, I noticed my online shopping tab was already at $200, and I thought, I might as well buy another Hermes scarf. I could get off just looking at them much quicker than a sex toy.

While I contemplate purchasing another Hermes scarf, here’s a list of vibrators I won’t be purchasing:

Hello Kitty Vibrator: This is a “massager” that looks like a vibrator with Hello Kitty as its penis head. Actually, upon further research, this has been retired and replaced with just a vibrating Hello Kitty figurine. Although it’s “marketed” as a shoulder massager, it’s on a bunch of “adult” websites. The proportions seem incorrect for shoulder massaging purposes …

Now, don’t get me wrong — I love Hello Kitty, but this is a new level. Actually, I wear Hello Kitty pajamas when I’m in no mood for sex. My best friend made fun of them when I stayed over in his room, and I remarked, “well, we’re not having sex — these are going to make sure of it!” See, these pajamas serve as the best cockblock — actually, Hello Kitty, in general does. Guys just aren’t turned on by it, as most of them associate it with younger sisters. One guy asked me to get rid of my Hello Kitty alarm clock, since his sister had the same one.

I Rub My Duckie: This is a series of clitoral vibrators, which look just like rubber duckies. First of all, I had a deprived childhood with no rubber duckies, but I’m now not sure that I can look at them the same way. Come to think of it, one of my “ex’s” bought me a rubber ducky when I told him of my deprived childhood, and I’m now curious if it’s a vibrator … (Too bad I threw it out.) In addition to ducks, this company makes “cute” vibrating fish, penguins, and even worms. Maybe these work, but do you really want a vibrator disguised as a childhood toy?

Lipstick Vibrator: This is a discrete vibrator that’s the exact same size as a tube of lipstick. I have this Marc Jacobs pen that looks like a tube of lipstick, and I’m terribly worried that I will mistake this vibrator for my pen. Then when I try to uncap it, I will set off the vibration, and people will realize that it is not a pen.

I’m wondering why someone would need to be this discreet. Are they worried their friends will see their vibrator? If their friends are anything like mine, they will try to see the shade of lipstick, and thus reveal it’s plastic, which will lead to further questions. Even though I don’t think size actually matters, a 2-inch vibrator is a bit disheartening.

Nail Polish Vibrator: Uncap the lid, and there lies a vibrator. I am a nail polish fanatic: in the past few months, I’ve spent over two hundred dollars on CHANEL polishes, so I may be biased when I say this looks nothing like a bottle of nail polish. First of all, its dimensions are way too big to pass for a bottle. Then, there’s no label on it. All of my lacquers, even the ones from drugstores, have some sort of label on the front. (I’m not sure what it is with these companies and beauty products …) Once again, I think I can get off quicker buying some more CHANEL polish.

Vibrating Phone: This is just like it sounds: a vibrating cell phone. People always joke about their phones doubling as vibrators, and well I guess a company decided to bank on this. I suppose it’s better than answering some booty calls …

For my last complaint, the ever talked about “rabbit” vibrator has a smiley face imprinted on the phallic head. I’m sorry, but that’s incredibly creepy.

So, in conclusion, Marc Jacobs really ought to make a vibrator. I mean, he makes condoms. There are designer condoms and pens, but no vibrators? It would make a shopaholic’s life a lot easier if a designer would just throw a girl a bone. Plus, the safest sex is the sex you have with yourself, so long as you clean your toys and don’t share.