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My friend lives in one of those dorms with an oversensitive fire alarm. If you fully shut the door while taking a steamy shower, you’ll force the whole building to evacuate.

Well, mysteriously, the fire alarm went off at two in the morning one night. It could’ve been investigated like a crime.

The crime scene: a steamy dorm room shower.

The evidence: pubes in the trash.

The culprit: my trimmed friend.

See, he shut the door and turned on the shower to avoid being walked in on. However, he met the rude interruption of the fire alarm and nicked himself in the process. Fortunately, for him, there were no crime scene investigators.

Besides a discrepancy in gender views on oral sex, there’s also a vast discrepancy for pubic hair. Guys expect girls to be as hairless as our pre-pubescent days, while letting themselves suffer from “ZOMG!” bush.

Then, if they do trim, they fully expect a favor for it.

For my latest fuck buddy disaster, he complained I didn’t give him head. First of all, let me say, as usual, there was no cunnilingus. I had spent the whole morning shopping in Newbury in uncomfortable flats, and I was exhausted. So, I collapsed on his bed, and somehow, in the course of the night, it turned into sex — well, actually, I’m not sure I can really call it that. (It was that bad.)

However, according to him, since he trimmed, I broke some sort of code. Supposedly, there’s some sort of law that states that if a person modifies their pubes, then there should be oral. Well, I shaved, and there was no oral.

Actually, I didn’t even know he trimmed. See, I have never encountered “ZOMG” bush — I’ve only heard legends of it. Before him, I’ve slept primarily with Asian guys who naturally met the stereotype of hairlessness (and another stereotype, but let’s not go there today). Actually, one “ex” complained during finals week when I forgot to shave that my legs were hairier than his. I am still mortified by this statement.

So, let me go to the central debate: what are people supposed to do with pubes? To answer this, I tried to find the scientific reasoning for these hairs. It seems there are two beliefs: 1. Increasing surface area for pheromones 2. A physical change to show sexual maturity. If it truly helps with pheromones, then it might be worth it to keep the hair. However, I’m not sure how much I buy into that — I mean, some “sexperts” claim that body odor helps with pheromones, and well, after being at MIT, I don’t believe this! I know of so many guys (*ahem* all in a certain major) who don’t shower that I don’t want to sleep with.

In the end, I think that the pubes debate becomes one of hygiene. So long as your bush doesn’t have stuff trapped in it, then it’s fine. See, people have such varying beliefs of it: some like it all gone, some like decorative patterns, and some like a forest. In the end, it should be somewhat equal. If a guy expects a girl to trim or shave, he should do something about his also.

Pubes are ultimately a hairy debate — and something that partners should talk about beforehand.