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69 is a semiprime — a Blum integer — and, more importantly, the only way most guys propose cunnilingus. Out of the handful of times (trust me, I can count it on one hand) that I’ve had this done, over fifty percent have happened in this context. Now, it doesn’t take a Course 18’er to realize that men are getting lazy. Well, speaking of math, I’d like note that the most important part of this position is body proportions. At a mere five feet, I haven’t fooled around with a guy less than eight inches taller than me. This normally doesn’t pose a problem — except here.

However, I’m not sure if I dislike this entirely because of the awkward stretching it forces me to do. I partially blame my hatred of this position for its awkwardness in general. Your butt is in a guy’s face, and you’re thinking, “damn, I shouldn’t have had Anna’s for lunch.” Talking to my buddy list, I realized that many a man has been farted on during this — and exactly how do you handle that? Supposedly, it’s just like any awkward moment, you just laugh and keep going. Although, I’ve got to commend these guys for doing this, as I would imagine the taste to be almost as unappetizing as jizz, especially if it’s Anna’s.

Well, men, there’s much less of a chance of being flatulated on if you just perform cunnilingus correctly (not in the context of 69). However, I don’t think I’ve had this done properly — so, I could be wrong. See, I wanted to write a piece on the little black dress, but due to the magnitude of responses I got noting that I forgot a huge part of oral sex, I realized that I had to fix this. Then, it dawned on me — I left cunnilingus out for a reason: I don’t have much experience with it.

So, I gave in, turning to the experts in porn. (Investigative journalism, at its finest, *sighs* the things I do for MIT.) I quickly discovered that almost everything on cunnilingus is lesbian-based. The stuff I found with guys in it; well, they were bald, fat, tattooed, or just plain ugly. Maybe, I wasn’t looking hard enough, since we all know everything is on the internet. However, I quickly lost interest in cunnilingus again.

Watching porn got me more curious about blowjobs, Bukkake, cumshots, facials, face-fucking — there was a lot more material out there, and most of it was hetero. All of this porn watching gave me a midnight reminiscence. I had learned how to give head from porn. An ex suggested this after I called him out on faking. (Guys, just FYI, girls who to go MIT aren’t stupid. We realize there’s a difference between precum and jizz.) After our relationship failed, I took his advice. It’s gone to good use.

However, I don’t think this advice really works for cunnilingus. From porn, men might get this idea that all women have a Sapphic side and all women are shaved. They might also think that all women squirt and that all women love 69’ing. While these facts might be true for some, it’s certainly not true for all. So, how does a guy learn to perform cunnilingus properly?

Googling this, I found many guides written like erotica. To avoid all that fluff, I’ll summarize them: a.) find the clit b.) arouse her first by licking around c.) communication is essential, find out when you’re doing something right d.) your tongue is not your dick e.) don’t bite, it hurts more than being bitten on your balls. Don’t know where the clit is? Wikipedia has a great entry on it, complete with a diagram! (You have to realize my web history right now is so sketchy.)

However, I think many of the guides left out the most important rule, “don’t rush.” This is the real problem with 69’ing is you’re trying to do two “very enjoyable” things at once. As one of my friends put it, “it’s like rubbing your tummy and patting your head at the same time.”

A good blowjob takes time, and I assume the same goes for cunnilingus. See, I think my biggest problem with cunnilingus in the past was the question, “are you close?”

This question forced me to master the five-minute fake. Up until now, I hated cunnilingus so much that the only reason I let it be done was as a false ego-booster for the guy. However, after hearing that I was an “antifeminist” for not writing about it, I’m realizing that girls take it very seriously. It’s probably not overrated — I just haven’t met a pussy-eating prince.

So, why aren’t guys performing this? The biggest complaint I’ve heard is pubes. While I’ve recently joined the pro-shaved camp, I don’t think all girls share my view. (However, no one wants to be reminded of carpet during oral.) That being said, if a girl can deal with the taste, guys should be able to handle a little bush. Guys, in general, you ought to realize that you should give back, because a real orgasm is much better than the five-minute fake.

So, guys, start giving back — she tastes better than you anyway.