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Third base, oral sex, usually generates more controversy than sex itself. Well, even Bill Clinton claimed that oral sex isn’t really sex. He’s right — it’s a lot messier, and everyone has a different opinion of it. The act of giving oral sex really isn’t that complicated for both genders. There are some general guidelines: focus, change motions, use your hands if you need support, watching makes it better, and, whatever happens, don’t use your teeth.

I’m not good at writing erotica, so if you need some more support, I seriously suggest watching some porn. Visualization helps. What I really want to talk about is what makes this situation messy: cum, jizz, semen, whatever you want to call it.

First of all, I’m going to say that I don’t believe anyone actually practices “safe” oral sex. Might as well resign yourself to a life of herpes, I mean, the people look so happy in the commercials! Although, at least with “safe” oral, you don’t have to taste “man juice.” I’m told this is an acquired taste like beer; well, I still haven’t acquired either. So, I handle this the same way that most people handle alcohol: a good chaser. I’m convinced that all girly magazines lie and it’s not tasty no matter what he eats or drinks.

The spit vs. swallow debate seems silly to me, ’cause once it touches your mouth, the taste stays. Also, where are you supposed to spit it out at? Maybe, this is why Baker House has sinks in the room. (Not that I would know from past experience …) However, I’m sure sprinting down the hall with your mouth full of jizz will create a new term: the run of shame. So, guys, you ought to be considerate of the fact it tastes bad. I mean, will you kiss a girl after they’ve done it? Usually not. So, understand if the girl needs a chaser, or to just flat out spit, wherever it goes.

You should also be considerate of the load. Sure, you’re at MIT, but you still ought to have time to masturbate. If you really don’t, then at least warn the girl. Here’s where oral etiquette really comes into play. No matter what, small load, big load, warn the girl it’s coming. It’s like laughing when drinking — not a welcome surprise.

A friend of mine actually ended up puking on her boyfriend because he forgot. No joke. While that’s a more extreme case, it could’ve easily been avoided. So, unless you want puke on your dick, give the girl a courtesy tap — or just some sort of warning. Also, girls and guys, don’t fake moans — especially, if you’re not enjoying it. MIT is “hard” enough as is — moans aren’t an algorithm that we’re supposed to crack.

Oral sex isn’t supposed to be that hard — it just can leave a bad taste in your mouth. So, keep a chaser, give a courtesy tap, and whatever you do — don’t bite.