Hello, everyone, and thank you for coming to the MVP Award Ceremony for last weekend’s Lake House Getaway 2008. The weekend was a total success and I’m glad everyone could make it. I think we all deserve a pat on the back for navigating those hazy waters of lounging and relaxation without a hitch. It could have been worse. There was a lot of passive aggressive tension brewing and I’m just glad we didn’t have it out on the patio by the grill. Kudos to my main men — you know who you are — for deflating the situation with well-timed belches and hilarious quoting of lines from Judd Apatow movies.
As I reflect on the awesomeness of last weekend, I can’t help but think how indebted we are to Sarah for letting us crash at her lake house and providing all of the comforts for 72 hours of good times. You rock, Sarah. Those organic eggs you got from your friend’s farm rocked too.
Before we hand out this weekend’s MVP award, I’d like to stress just how much of this weekend’s success was a team effort. That’s right, WE managed to enjoy that nice breezes and scenic views, and WE managed to turn tubing on the lake into the sweetest ride of 2008. We couldn’t have done it without our collective commitment to our mantra of “DOING IT LIVE” so give yourselves all a round of applause.
Now, without further ado. The award for Most Valuable Player at the 2008 Lake House Getaway goes to … The Poland Springs Water Jug. Come up and receive your reward! That’s right. You delivered by far the most clutch performance. With your 2.5 gallon carrying capacity and easy to use spout, you first provided us with much needed water in our hour of need.
While beer was plentiful, water was not. Curse you, beer, for actually causing dehydration even though you are made of liquid goodness. The sun was blazing; our throats were dry. We couldn’t go to the taps in the house, for they drew water directly from the lake and we had all seen that episode of “House” about how amoebas can eat your brain stem. But we were thirsty; we needed water.
Just when we were about to give in to the amoeba soup, Sarah brought you down from the B&B up the road. You saved us then. More importantly, you saved our brain stems from a slow and agonizing demise.
Then when you were empty, you became the answer to our prayers. With you, we could carry 2.5 gallons of beer down to the dock with relative ease. I can’t even begin to describe how grateful we are for your service. The way you held beer for us, with the spout on the bottom, meant that we could have foam free beer in a matter of seconds. You were like a keg for our keg, except you did things no keg could.
Your ergonomic handle meant repeated trips from the dock to the house for refills were a cinch. Your durable construction allowed us to take you onto the boat and hide you under the seat. When we were tubing from the motorboat and hopping over wakes at 30 miles per hour, you held fast. When the splashes from our solo cup drenched the bow of the boat, you spilled not a drop. You gave us influence and spirit in our motor boating endeavors, and when at last you were empty, we knew then it was time to return to the dock to regroup and refill.
Poland Springs Water Jug, you have no idea how amazing you are. Don’t let anyone ever bring you down. I know some people might say the keg is flashier or the bottle opener more versatile, but it’s all half truths and lies. You, and only you, made the weekend what it was. You carried us in our partying hour of need, and for that we thank you, Poland Springs Water Jug.
Long after this weekend, your memory will live on in our hearts and livers. Long after you have been melted into plastic goo, we will cherish the good times we had together. We will listen to Credence Clearwater Revival and think of you, oh Poland Springs Water Jug. We will always remember how you gave yourselves to us and brightened up our weekend.
It was sad when we had to place you in the recycling bin, but there’s hope in our hearts. Chances are you will be recycled into another Poland Springs Water Jug. And then, we must hope, hope with every fiber of our being, that your plastic fibers will be reunited with us at Lake House Getaway 2009.
Until then, Poland Springs Water Jug, take this MVP award as a token of our thanks. We salute you.
That wraps up this year’s award. I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time from your busy schedules to come this weekend. I know it was hard to stash away our Blackberries and enjoy the sunshine, but thanks to you, Poland Springs Water Jug, we did it. We did it.