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Warning! Excessive cell phone use will give you brain cancer! That’s what some scientists are saying these days, right? Nerds in lab coats getting all Chicken Little on our weekend minutes. But imagine if they were right and 10 years from now, we were all walking around with big tumors sticking out of our heads. This would be a serious calamity and its consequences must be addressed.

First, and most importantly, we’d have asymmetric heads. I don’t know about you, but when I’m judging appearances, symmetry ranks pretty high on my list. You know how Katie Holmes does that thing where she only talks out of one side of her mouth? That’s minus 10 points. So what the heck am I going to do if everyone around me looks like half of their dome was dipped in Miracle-Gro? More importantly, how am I going to come to terms with myself every morning? Not exactly a sight for sore eyes.

Maybe I’ll stick to my symmetric aesthetics, but I think society will adapt. Milliners will invent new elastic oversize hats, and the market for helmets will certainly expand. Since all the trend-setting celebrities who were glued to their cell phones will now have uneven heads, they’ll simply start a new trend where asymmetry is the new hotness.

In the hopes of looking just like the people on TV, regular chums will spend time in the gym selectively working out one side of their body. Either that, or they’ll pick up tennis. The poor saps that never had cell phones will take drastic measures and get plastic surgery. And when the doctor botches it and the patient ends up normal looking, I will have creepy flashbacks to that Twilight Zone episode. Like the Mayans before who thought trapezoidal foreheads and cross-eyes were all the rage, our society will elevate people with really lopsided noggins.

Folks will be known as left headed or right headed. Those who were unlucky enough to be ambidextrous cell phone users — simply big headed. Also, they’d be considered ugly by everyone except me. I’d stick to my symmetric guns.

I’m also assuming that since cell phone radiation caused the accelerating expansion of our heads, it’s the early adopters of cell phones who will have the biggest heads and become the new ruling class. Seriously, do you remember the size of those ’80s cell phones?

Thusly, Zack Morris will be king of our new society. And he will rule with well-intentioned and morally upright mischief. He will make Kelly his queen and not Tori, because biker girls are so out of place at Bayside.

In order to make our babies just like us, we’ll place Zack Morris cell phones in their cribs. This new generation will have bigger heads, and so will the next generation, and so on, and on, and on, and on, until all human beings look like one half of Conan O’Brien. This is a dark future indeed.

Oh, and we’d all have cancer.

I am not eager to embrace this asymmetopian future and neither should you. But with proper vigilance, we can avoid it. First, don’t bother getting Bluetooth headsets, they look really really lame. Instead, hold your phone out about a yard in front of you and switch to speakerphone. I know this will make for a lot of shouting and a lot of people overhearing conversations, but this is no different than how things are now anyways. At least at arm’s length, people won’t have the illusion of a private cell phone conversation. Mr. Big Shot Executive on that last flight talking on and on about your power point presentation while the plane was boarding, I’m talking about you. No one cares if you think Jefferson will close the deal. Give it a rest. Also, I know you have hair plugs. Is being a cool, attractive dude really worth that much pain? Seriously. Hang up. The cabin doors have closed. All portable electronic devices must be turned off and stowed for the duration of the flight, lest you get a lopsided head.